How to Manage Conflict

However you feel about it, you can’t be a leader without facing conflict with others at times. But rather than avoiding it, when we lean into it and manage it well, it can generate better, stronger relationships, and greater team creativity and resilience.

Leadership is a voluntary calling, yet its demands challenge the bravest and most capable. That you have reached this level of complexity and responsibility is a testament to your courage, resilience, and ability to work through tough problems. Some of the most challenging issues are those that arise from our relationships with other people. It is greatly to your credit that you are all willing to work on this rather than avoid it. You are also modelling this to others in the organisation and influencing its culture for good.

Taking time to focus on making your relationship thrive is the best start. The act of agreeing to participate in talking about your relationship already affects it: you know that you value good relationships with one another; you agree that it could be better; and you want to make that happen. This is good ground to build on.

I want to offer some context and suggests some attitudes from my experience working with teams that will be useful in this process, as well as giving an overview.

1 . It’s often not personal, but systemic

Tension or conflicts that individuals may be experiencing with each other may at a deeper level be more to do with tensions generated by the organisational system and relative roles within it than by individual conflicts, even if disputes feel personal.

Yet understanding this doesn’t mean that you are free of it. Furthermore, systemic tensions (for instance, around separate versus corporate or group identity and culture; autonomy versus authority; exceptionalism versus equality; change versus stability; new versus established, and so on) still need to be worked on at a personal level, which is hard. You didn’t create the systemic tension, but you are responsible for doing the work at the coalface of normal messy human relations under stress.  

Into this organisational context we need to add the external social, political and economic pressures. In whatever way we are dealing with them, our need to adapt and learn fast is stressful, and we are holding and managing the stress and fear of those we lead. In the pandemic, we also lost most of the opportunities for direct human connection when we might most benefit from them. In normal circumstances we relieve tension in the system when we stop by someone’s office, chat before a meeting starts, or in the kitchen or corridor, when we can acknowledge, appreciate and empathise with each other. But when we are working online especially, these opportunities can disappear.

2. Take responsibility for relationship toxins

Psychologist John Gottman identified four common toxins in relationships worth looking out for in your own behaviours. A commitment to noticing these in action and taking responsibility for them forms part of your contract with each other:

·         Blame (not open to owning your own responsibility, believing that the other person only has to change)

·         Defensiveness (not open to influence, deflection)

·         Stonewalling (avoidance, passivity, disengagement, withholding commitment, uncooperativeness)

·         Contempt (gossip, undermining, disrespect)

Left unchecked, these behaviours undermine relationships. We may be expert in identifying them in others, but sometimes our own tendencies hide in our blind spot, while acutely apparent to others. Over time, if they remain unconscious, these behaviours calcify into habitual ways of thinking, reacting, being and behaving around someone. That stance will be picked up by the other person, who will respond in kind.

As a consequence, we start to see each other, not as people, but as obstacles. We armour ourselves unconsciously, which only serves to increase the sense of discomfort and restriction. The potential ways to find resolution constrict. We shift from this by noticing our stance, and then consciously taking self-leadership over our ingrained, habitual reactions and choosing to move to a more helpful, open responsiveness.

3. Stock up on antidotes

The good news is that the attitudes or stances listed below can help move us from fixed reactions and behaviours to healthier, more productive, and more enjoyable forms of relating.

·         Deep democracy – all voices are heard, even when it is hard

·         Respect

·         Collaboration/partnership

·         Enquiry and awareness

·         Curiosity, rather than making assumptions or creating stories about others’ thoughts, beliefs or behaviours

·         Openness to change

·         Appreciation of each other

·         Commitment

·         Empathy

·         Playfulness

·         Believing that everyone is partially right. 

I encourage you to identify the attitudes that matter to you in this relationship: ones you are willing to commit to, as well as request from others. They may be on the list above, and there may be others. Consider what they would look like in action, and be prepared to give concrete examples to the person or people with whom you are working. Be open to listen too.

4. Design your alliance

We often spend our time together focusing on what we are doing, in other words, the never-ending task list. We don’t pay enough attention to how we want to work together, based on our shared and core values, so your relationship can thrive in both good and challenging times. These are the two key areas to address:

·         Co-creating a useful, positive atmosphere or culture.

·         Sharing responsibility.

Step 1: Commit to active listening

Sometimes we can become distracted by our own thoughts, stories and impulses, rather than being fully present to another person when they are speaking. It’s not a personal failing, we all do it, especially under stress..

If you notice that you are tuning out or listening to your own internal dialogue, re-centre your attention on the other person. When someone feels listened to, without the other person interrupting, attempting to correct or change how they think, or leaping to conclusions or solutions, it is more likely that the tension and armouring will decrease. In that state, any practical solutions can be reached more easily.

Step 2: Powerful questions

These are some of the questions to explore together.

a.       Co-Creating Atmosphere

·         What is the culture or atmosphere we wish to create together?

·         How would we know we had that?

·         What does this relationship need to thrive?

·         How do we want to behave together when things get difficult?

At this stage, it is worth providing concrete examples and to make actionable requests. The following structure can help:

·         Observation. Start with the facts.  For instance, “Last week I received an email from you informing me of a decision.”

·         Feelings. For instance, “I felt agitated and frustrated…” Avoid language such as “This made me feel…” as you own your feelings.

·         Need/Values. For instance, “I need to feel included in the decision-making process. I value collaboration, transparency and sensitivity.”

·         Request. For instance, “I would like to ask that before any decisions, we have a quick chat, so that I feel that I am heard and that you understand my concerns.”

b.      Sharing Responsibility

·         What can each of you be counted on for?

·         What’s your commitment to one another?

c.       Behavioural Agreements

·         What are the ground rules around conflict, decision-making and other relationship behaviours?

d.      Appreciation

·         What do we appreciate about each other?

Don’t focus solely on the problems; acknowledge and appreciate what does work, as well as the improvements. Leadership can be lonely, and knowing that your efforts are seen and appreciated makes a positive difference.

Understand that conflict cannot often be resolved by one conversation. It takes couarge and commitment to continue to lean in. But what can eventually emerge will be worth it.

Learn more about more leadership practices in my book Thoughtful Leadership.

Photo credit: Charl Folsher